Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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