I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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