I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
These tits shall not be calmed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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