Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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