Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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