we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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