i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
