Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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