I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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