??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
