checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
