I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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