what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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