On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
