fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
