I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
