this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
