mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
