Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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