Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well you can't waste a boner
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
