The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
