I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
