How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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