I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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