Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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