it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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