i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
