a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
