Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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