i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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