Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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