if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
