My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
