I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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