so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
