at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
