Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
