My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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