Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
