when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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