Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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