Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
