Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
