I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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