another moral hangover. fuck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
