$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
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Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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