Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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