So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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