loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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