You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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