I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
