just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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