for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
