I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
