it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
