i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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