hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law