he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?