Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
